You smile and think how much you've changed
Change is a continuum, not a destination you arrive at -- says my therapist
May 2016, Seattle, Washington, USA
I was in the back of a town car on the way from my house in the northern suburbs of Seattle to the airport. I had an international flight to catch. I asked the driver to put on my favorite radio station, KEXP. John Richards was on the air. I emailed in a song request.
In the email, I told him everything —
It didn’t take long for him to get to my request. I remember him saying: “This is a request from Laura in Lynnwood, who is going through…a lot.”
I laughed. The song started:
The town car dropped me off at my best friend’s house. Who had breakfast waiting. Then, she took me to the airport.
It was my 30th birthday. My husband and I were in the waiting period for our divorce to be finalized. And I was getting on a Delta bird to fly from Seattle (SEA) to Paris-Charles DeGaulle (CDG) then onto a hopper from Paris to Geneva (GVA). Business class. For an interview at a company based in Switzerland.
As the plane took off, I played the song in my headphones and cried:
This is the day, your life will surely change
This is the day, when things fall into place
I wasn’t wrong.
May 2024, Lausanne, Switzerland
The other day, I was listening to “This is the Day” by The The in the shower. I forgot I knew all the words.
First, I thought this should be my new karaoke song.
It’s been my anthem for over eight years. The chorus used to be my rallying cry. The lines that I used to repeat to myself that kept me going. Reminding me that I’m on the right path.
Then, another thought came—a different string of lyrics stood out in a way that they hadn’t before:
You’ve been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you’ve changed
All the money in the world couldn’t by back those days.
The “new life” used to be the one that I built after my divorce. But what if I have arrived at a new-new life? A new chapter? One that happened after I finished that messy, just-divorced/just-moved-internationally-and-isn’t-sure-how-she-feels-about-it life?
The one where I feel confident like I belong to the life that I designed. Like, what if I’m here? What if I’m in it? What if this is the day that my life is changing into the writer, the business owner, the f*ing woman who has a permanent residence card and can actually speak (and understand!) a foreign language?
I floated this idea to my therapist. But positioned a little differently. To which she said, “It’s interesting how you have this idea of ‘arriving’ at a place…”
Yeah, so what?
“It’s artificial—this singular force,” she continued. “Life goes on. It’s a continuum.”
I drew a squiggly line as she talked about the peaks of success and valleys of setbacks. And when we come up from the setback, we stop and think, “Oh, I’ve grown!”
This is a topic she and I have discussed before. How I am always chasing the end, the part where I’ve gotten whatever dream or vision or romantic fantasy I have for my life. For example, with my business. I really, really, really want to race forward to the part when it’s launched and it’s a success and everyone is talking about it (press everywhere!). I’m watching 3 people I “know” on the internet launch their books. And I’m fucking devouring all of it. Can’t wait until DD is launched and that ignites a big round of PR. The dress rehearsal for my book…
My body sees that. Wants to have something like that for me. And while my cognitive brain is taking notes on how those folks did it; the writer in me is full of romance and wants it all now.
But it’s a continuum, as my therapist said.
And I’m in the dip, starting to go up and build…and it’s just a lot of hard work. (Cut to an image of young Laura stamping her feet because she doesn’t want to do her homework.)
“You smile and think how much you’ve changed.”
Ah, I loved this. I'm not a therapist (but I play one on TV) (just kidding!), but I think there's a way to feel both the journey and the various arrivals. You are definitely deep in the journey, my friend, but from an outside perspective it sure looks like you've arrived. <3
In the end, it is the Circle of Life, and you have to Hakuna Matata your way today, not tomorrow, because Today is the Day! I can’t wait for DD to come!