What books should divorced women read?
The origin of the Divorcée Bookshelf–a curated reading list covering divorce, dating, friendship, and self-reinvention.
Some of you know this story. But most of you don’t.
The summer of my divorce. July 2016. Late July. Or maybe it was August.
I’d already quit my job. Negotiated the end date so I’d have six weeks of summer vacation. Six weeks of summer vacation. Between jobs. No stress. Because I knew there’d be money ahead. I was in the waiting period of my divorce — a 90-day “cooling off” period between when you file the paperwork and your marriage is officially absolved. My lawyer says they do this so that people don’t decide to get divorced when they’re really just mad about something minor.
Something like that.1
Getting divorced in Washington State was easy. Plus, I held all the cards. And knew exactly what I was doing. I am very detail-oriented—managers like to say on annual reviews. And determined. If I want something, I go for it.
I met my old team for dinner. I remember we had burgers on Capitol Hill. This was the best team I’d ever worked with. Most of them I actually hired from knowing them on Twitter. I hid my divorce from them. I hid all that pain as I threw myself into my work.
(And I did some really good work during that time. And no one knew.)
The who, what, where, and how much is this going to cost? questions were easy.
The questions of, “Why am I so sad when I’m the one who wanted to get divorced?” and “What do I do when all I see in my future is dark?” and “What do I do, what do I need to learn, to keep this from ever happening again?”2
After dinner, I went to the bookstore. I love going to bookstores. Powell’s is my happy place. I think I chose my university because of its proximity to the first place in the world where I remember my parents leaving me alone for hours until they’d find me (usually just as the parking meter was going to expire). I would have a tower of books under my chin. Dad would put all my books in the basket and we’d go and find my sister. Dad always carried the books. And neither of my parents ever told me to put any of those books back.
The only financial value my ex-husband and I ever agreed on was that we’d never argue or contest buying books.
On this day, I was looking for answers. I walked to the Sex & Relationships section3 that was nestled next to the feminist books. I wanted to know if there were any books that could help me feel what I’m feeling about my divorce.
I found a coloring book. A very aggressive, angry book that was stuck on the husband-blame thing. That’s not what I wanted. I didn’t hate my ex-husband. I had complicated feelings about him. I wanted to forget about him. I wanted to know what to do about me.
I did get distracted.
I picked up Single Ladies. (There was a big election coming up.) And a gem Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray by Helen Fisher.
Yes, yes, I want to know about those things.
My first three months in Switzerland, I read all 464 pages of that book, including the annotations.
I learned a lot. But I still didn’t have an answer for why I was feeling what I was feeling about my divorce.
A few weeks ago. I saw this reel on Instagram:
Shit. That’s my story, too. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t the only divorced woman who has tried to find answers in books.
Maybe other divorcées need a book list too?
Introducing the Divorcée Bookshelf
For when you don’t know what to read next but know you don’t want to get tricked into reading some a modern story that claims to be feminist, but really makes you want to fall in love again even though you’re not in the true-love/Cinderella/Prince Charming at the end of the movie era.
You’re living your life right now for you.
Don’t worry, I got a ton of recommendations for you.
And you can see the full list of the Divorcée Bookshelf on Bookshop.org:4
If I go a little deeper on this, not finding the book I was looking for that day at Elliot Bay Book Store in Cap Hill, I don’t know if I would have written my memoir. I wouldn’t have kept searching for this “other thing” that I wished existed when I was going through my divorce. Something to make it easier.
In other words, I wouldn’t be building my business.
Divorcée in Culture & Conversations
Another memoir about divorce dropped! And later this month, a novel centered around a divorcée who builds a boyfriend out of AI during the pandemic — is coming.5
Divorce is becoming part of discourse. I wish these books were written and out in the summer of 2016. But the hilarious part is that most of the women writing about their divorce were still married in 2016.
It also looks like no one has written a memoir about living her divorcée fantasy jet-setting around the world because she got headhunted a week after her and her husband separated.
So that’s good. Makes me feel less pressure about my memoir being on hiatus and slight complications about “how long” I’ve been divorced and how long I will be divorced in the future when my book comes out in print.
Sometimes before I work on my manuscript, I will have lunch and read a chapter from Writing Hard Stories: Celebrated Memoirists Who Shaped Art from Trauma by Melanie Brooks. It’s a series of interviews, conversations, with famous, renowned authors about their memoir. The author of the collection wrote this book while being stalled or on her own journey with her memoir that’s been years in the making.
The most popular piece of advice from great memoirists like Andre Dubus III, “just because we want to write something a certain way, doesn’t mean it wants to be written that way.” or
In other words, sometimes the story has to work its way out of you.
Of course, I thought at the time, that won’t be me.
(Hi, it’s absolutely would be me.)
But the annoying thing is this hibernation or simmering period is also what I’m finding out my business needs. It’s fucking frustrating, if I’m being honest with you. But that’s creativity?
(I’m sure there’s a Silicon Valley/bro-tech word for this in the world of startups. Like some point in the early stage startup.)
So, yes, ladies, please keep getting divorced and writing about being divorced. I wasn’t able to write about my divorce as it happened. I think you’re so brave because I can see that you’re doing it for you.
Goddamn, it’s beautiful.
The Women’s Almanac
Our friends at Cummari opened enrollment for the Women’s Almanac. It’s a year-long experience guiding women to embrace their true way of living while reconnecting with the Earth’s natural cycles.
I had the joy of attending a retreat with Miche, the founder of Cummari, last September. Miche is a facilitator and connector. She has built an incredible global community around women. If you are drawn to Cummari, their mission, and Women’s Almanac, you should register as it’s exactly where you belong.
Registration ends March 10th.
That’s it for now, my friends. I’m working on a slight facelift here on this Substack, so get ready to hear from me a little differently…
Hope you have a beautiful week!
The waiting period (and states that have strict rules or don’t have a no fault divorce) is why women in the 50s and 60s used to go to Reno, Nevada, where all you needed was to stay there for 6 weeks and claim you’re a resident to get divorced.
You don’t let anyone get close for a really long time; not sure I’d recommend it.
Which is coincidentally the aisle my ex and I wandered down on our first date; I only realized this now…
Yes, this is an affiliate link. DD will get a small commission if you purchase any of the books — fulfilled by your local independent bookshop! — from this list.
Dispatched Divorcée was lucky to get our hands on an advanced readers copy….and I hear it was DEVOURED.
Thank you so much for the shoutout, Laura!